CSI Washington: Death of Amerigo :: Satire ::

Washington, D.C.

Re: Proposed TV script for a new CSI-like program

1. Exterior – NEOCON PARK – Corner Kristol/Perle Streets – 5:30 A.M.

Red, blue and white lights pulse, police sirens blast away as their radios are heard squawking loudly. The early morning fog begins to lift. Policemen block off an area of the park, with a yellow ‘crime scene’ tape. TV News vans are double parked nearby. A reporter, ‘Wolfy’ Blizzard is busy recording a conversation with a highly agitated resident of the area, A. ‘Chilly’ Coulter. She was out walking her pit bulldog, ‘Cheney,’ when she noticed a blood stained dead body and called the police on her cell phone. Crime Scene Investigator Monty Jones arrives and greets one of his partners, Ted Smith.


What have we got here, Ted?


One very dead woman, multiple stab wounds, identified from her driver’s license, as Amerigo Vespucci, 28 years of age, 5’1”, 105 pounds. Time of death was 9:11 P.M., on Election Night, 11/02/04.


Amerigo Vespucci! That’s a poetic name.


Yea, sure. It’s the name of the Italian map maker that America was originally named after. Amerigo, however, is usually a male’s moniker.


Hey, Ted! I should have known that. Here comes Dave. Let’s see what he’s got to say.

DAVE MARSHALL (another member of the CSI team)

It’s incredible, but I think there could be as many as 38 witnesses to this killing! Some were in the Evangelical church directly opposite the murder scene. A few were in the ‘Temple Arik Sharon’ synagogue, (pointing to a building, catty-cornered to where the body was found at Sabra and Shatila Streets). A handful of witnesses were in ‘St. Bernard of the Lawless’ Roman Catholic Cathedral on the other side of the park, at Porter and Shanley Streets. But, in that Hi-Rise right there, the ‘Halliburton-Mobil,’ there were twenty witnesses. One is even a member of the U.S. Senate, whom the local newspaper just praised, as ‘a champion of the little guy.’ They’ve all admitted that they did hear a woman screaming for over a half an hour for help. A few looked out of their windows, saw her shouting and being beaten, told the man to stop, and then they went back to watching their TV sets. Then, there was a group of Donald Rumsfeld-looking types over in the ‘Lockheed Martin’ complex, next to P. Wolfowitz’s BP gas station. They were having a party last night celebrating snatching a new, cost-plus, multibillion dollar Iraqi arms contract. They said they were ‘too busy’ having a good time to pay much attention to all the yelling that was going on outside. Some did recall hearing a woman crying out, ‘I’m dying. I’m dying.’ Also, Fox TV’s Bill O’Reilly was their guest of honor, but he claimed he was ‘on the phone’ most of the evening talking with a female producer from his office. None of them did a single thing to help Amerigo – 38 witnesses! Can you believe that?


It’s sounds like the Kitty Genovese case. She was raped, robbed and murdered in Queens, New York, back in the 60s. And, 38 people heard her crying and begging for her life, while she was struggling with a homicidal monster for over 30 minutes, who eventually killed her. And, not one of them bothered to lift a finger for her – not one! They didn’t even call the cops, until it was too late to save her life. Afterwards, the shrinks figured that their lack of response, their criminally negligent indifference to human life, had something to do with people living in a big city and becoming desensitized to human suffering. They had all kinds of excuses why they didn’t do anything for her (See, Court TV: Crime Library, “A Cry in the Night: The Kitty Genovese Murder,” by Mark Gado, http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/predators/kitty_genovese/1.html?sect=2.) But, I’ll tell you this. I don’t buy any of it. I believed they just didn’t give a good damn! It wasn’t them being murdered, so they didn’t care.
2. Interior – “Heaven Awaits Evangelical Church” – Same Day – 9 A.M.

A early morning light shines through the cheap stained-glass windows. Water is seen dripping from a baptismal fount that has sprung a slow leak. A huge neo-lighted cross is seen to right of the altar. Strangely, the crucified figure on the cross closely resembles an emaciating-looking Sen. John Kerry.


I understand, Reverend, that you were in the church last night conducting a service and that you and your members did hear a woman repeatedly screaming for help outside in the park and that neither you, nor any of your members, responded. Can you please explain yourself?


Well, Sir, our Bible comes first, that’s why. We have our moral values. And besides, last night I gave a homily on the evils of abortion and same-sex marriages. Prayers were offered up, too, so that our born-again President George W. Bush, Jr., a true believer in the risen Christ if there ever was one, would be reelected and would soon hang Saddam Hussein and kill all of those Iraqi terrorists. Praise Homeland Security! Praise Tom DeLay! Praise the…

JONES (interrupting the cleric)

Are you aware, Reverend, that if you or any of your members had come outside last night, even for a minute or two, when you heard all that shrieking going on, that Ms. Amerigo’s life might have been saved?

PASTOR FAULTFINDER (with an air of Puritan righteousness)

Our primary duty, Sir, is to a higher power! Ms. Amerigo was never our problem, neither is Iraq, Afghanistan or Iran for that matter. Souls are our problem. Souls that need to be saved from hell fire. Embryos that must be protected from the abortionists. Homosexuals that must be made to see the light. Trade unions that must be busted. Left wingers that must be silenced. Ms. Amerigo is now with our Lord. She is among the blessed…

(As Pastor Faultfinder continues with his rant, Jones turns in disgust and walks out of the church, shaking his head in total disbelief at the ignorance of this religious fraud.)

3. Interior. CSI Headquarters/THOMAS PAINE BUILDING – Afternoon – 3 P.M.

The corpse of Amerigo Vespucci is on the examining table. Jones, who also holds a license as the municipality’s Chief Medical Examiner, finishes up his work. He turns to Marshall, who is standing next to him.


Sometimes, when I see a case like this and calculate the gross detachment of people to this young girl’s desperate plight, I want to give up.


I understand, but you can’t give up! First, we’ve got to find this nut case killer and deal with him. Then, we have to solve this ‘sickness,’ that permits people to turn their backs on an innocent victim. If we don’t do it, it’s never going to happen! We owe it to Amerigo. That’s our job whether we like it or not. If this kind of we-don’t-give-a crap attitude continues to prevail in this country, we soon won’t have any Republic left to call our own. And, just because those 38 see-no-evil b……. lost their humanity on the night of Nov. 2nd, it doesn’t mean we have to lose ours, too!

JONES (ponders for a moment)

You’re probably right. Although, I would just love to bring all of those hypocrites down here now and show them – this lifeless young body – so they could see for themselves what their complicity and apathy really look like!