A Military Coup d’etat in America? :: Satire ::

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Ad Hoc News Service
Pentagon City, VA
Thursday, April 1, 2005

At 6 AM this morning, on a prearranged signal from the Joint Chiefs of Staff convened in the Pentagon’s “War Room,” over 3,000 U.S. Army infantry and artillery troops stationed at Fort Myers, VA, stormed across the Woodrow Wilson Bridge into Washington, DC. They surrounded and shut down all of the major public buildings, including the Capitol and the White House. Martial Law has been declared and a strict curfew is to be enforced in all the prime U.S. urban centers, the Pentagon said in a press release that accompanied a paper entitled, “A Manifesto.” The Manifesto was signed by each of the six members of the powerful Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“Anyone attempting to take or wire any cash or funds outside the country, is subject to arrest and to having their assets confiscated. All international flights into or leaving the U.S. have been canceled until further notice. All active U.S. army, air and naval forces throughout the world have been placed on the highest level of alert,” the Manifesto asserted.

According to a high ranking Pentagon official, President George W. Bush, Jr. and V. P. Dick Cheney have been arrested, along with their entire Cabinet and all their aides. They are confined at Ft. Detrick, MD, and are presently being interrogated, without the benefit of counsel. They are being held as, “Enemy Combatants” for supposedly “selling out the sovereignty of the people to agents of the New World Order (NWO).” The Congress has been suspended, along with the Supreme Court. The Federal Court system will reopen tomorrow, but only for civil cases. All federal criminal cases now pending will be turned over to military tribunals for trial. The Bill of Rights and the ancient Writ of Habeas Corpus have been rescinded.

“The country will be ruled by Military Decrees,” the Joint Chiefs said in their Manifesto, “until such time as public confidence can be restored in a democratically elected national government. This could take years. All those who have betrayed our nation to the NWO will be severely punished.

“All fifty state governments,” the Manifesto continued, “will remain open and will function as usual. Federal departments will reopen tomorrow and all of their present directors will be replaced by military personnel. Anyone suspected of being an agent of the NWO will be arrested, with no bail allowed, and subjected to a secret trial based on secret evidence.” (Ironically, these draconian criminal procedures were on the law books prior to the coup.)

The Joint Chiefs also explained, in their Manifesto, some of the reasons for their unprecedented action: “We can no longer stand by and watch our great country being used by parasitical elements, some alien based, that are slowly destroying America and setting it up, as the former Soviet Union was, to be looted by Oligarchs and other conspiratorial operatives of the NWO. The Iraqi War based on massive lies has been bad enough, but the unjustified Invasion of Iran, on March 17, 2005, is the absolute final straw for us.

“For decades now, we have been fighting wars, like in Afghanistan and Iraq, that have nothing whatsoever to do with our true national interest. Our country has also suffered under terrorist attacks; been bled dry, financially and trade policy wise; and endured deindustrialization, while wire pullers associated with what the late President Dwight D. Eisenhower called, “The Military-Industrial Complex,” and others, like the oil and gas industries, and their related multinational businesses, have prospered enormously. Some of these same companies, with others, have shown their anti-American bias by polluting our environment, moving their corporate headquarters off shore to avoid paying taxes, and by out-sourcing their middle class jobs to Third World countries. A mostly cowardly and ‘bought’ U.S. Congress has contributed to this disgusting national disgrace. Today, we will begin closing the more than 725 U.S. military bases around the world, which were built not to defend us, but to promote the evils of globalism. We will also start withdrawing all our forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, Western Europe, Japan and the Philippines.

“We also believe that a clique within the Zionist Cartel, including the Neocon Richard Perle, have been putting Israel’s interest before America’s (http://antiwar.com/justin/?articleid=3521). It is one thing to ask our brave troops to die for their country, but quite another, to have them die for Israel (wrmea.com). We are mindful of the contempt that some in the Zionist Cartel hold for America. The notorious traitor Jonathan Pollard is only one example (http://www.antiwar.com/pat/?articleid=3517) of that animus. Israel’s Ariel Sharon once said, ‘Don’t worry about American pressure, we control America’ (http://www.wrmea.com/html/newsitem_s.htm). Well, we have a message for Mr. Sharon: Lovers of our Republic are in charge of America today! We will never forget or forgive what Zionist Israel did to the men of the USS Liberty, on June 8, 1967 (http://www.ussliberty.org/).

“Also, we demand that the over one hundred billion dollars exacted by Israel from the U.S., since 1948, be immediately repaid, with full interest (http://www.wrmea.com/html/us_aid_to_israel.htm). Israel is also given one week from April 1, 2005, to end its illegal occupation of the lands rightfully belonging to the Palestinian people. We also put the NWO and its cunning agents on notice. Any further attempt by these gangsters in three-piece suits to subvert our national interest will result in their ending up on the garbage dump of history. This is a ‘final warning’ to the NWO. We also extend the hand of friendship, with all the mutual respect that we can in good faith muster, to all of the peace-loving peoples of Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba and of the Muslim World,” the Joint Chiefs’ Manifesto concluded.

Meanwhile, rabid warmongers, such as ex-NYC Mayors Ed Koch and Rudy Giuliani; windbags G. Gordon Liddy, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, George F. Will, Russ Limbaugh, John Podhoretz, Charles Krauthammer, Ann Coulter and William Kristol are already incarcerated at Guantamo Bay, the Pentagon source further revealed. A raving Kristol has been placed in a heavily padded cell and is on a “suicide watch.” He keeps on screaming at the guards, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m William Kristol! I’m a Neocon! I’m on Fox News!” Closer to home, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (D-CT) and Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX) were arrested trying to sneak into Mexico today. They were both dressed as women. “DeLay’s hairy legs gave them away,” the Pentagon official gloated.

Finally, Pentagon sources also told me that the 275 billionaires in this country will be presumed to have gained their obscene wealth by illegitimate means. The burden will be on each of them to prove otherwise before “A People’s Court.” The panel will be charged with representing the interests of working and middle class Americans. Unless the elitist billionaires can prevail at such a evidentiary hearing, all their assets will be forfeited to the treasury to pay down the $7.4 trillion national debt. Stay tune for further developments on this breaking, and history-making, news story…

Is that my alarm clock going off? Was all this just a silly April Fool’s Day dream? A military coup in America! Why, that could never happen! Could it?

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