New United States of Israel

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(Washington D.C., May 5) – President Bush astonished even his closest advisors today by issuing a Presidential Decree announcing that the State of Israel has become the 51st state of the union. Additionally, President Bush declared that he was renaming the union itself to the “New United States of Israel.”

When asked by CNN’s White House Correspondent Wolf Blitzer how he could justify a new state in the union which is so geographically distant, President Bush replied, “It seems you have forgotten that Hawaii is not attached to our land mass and Alaska is connected to Canada, not America. Having our new state connected to the Middle East is a minor inconvenience for their representatives with regard to travel, but as you are aware most of the house and senate members are there, physically or mentally, most of the year so it will not be a problem.”

House Republican Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX) refused to be interviewed on camera but mentioned that President Bush joked the other day at a Republican party working breakfast when he asked how Americans would react to moving Congress to Jerusalem. Armey stuttered while defending President Bush by speculating that the President probably felt that “the new state’s national guard, previously called Israeli Defense Forces, were in a better position to provide security to Congress given they are already armed to the teeth with the latest US armaments and have a nearby environmentally-accepted military testing ground, namely the West Bank.”

A leading Homeland Security military analyst close to President Bush, who requested to remain anonymous, responded to questions regarding the “transfer” by saying, “By moving Congress to Jerusalem President Bush would be making a strategic move to fight terror. Our intelligence sources have confirmed that Al-Qaeda and Ossama Bin Laden have all of their coordinates already set on DC. In three months, the move to Jerusalem would be complete and Bin Laden would have to start all over again. This disruption to Bin Laden’s planning will definitely take longer to recover from than the President’s term in office. President Bush is to be commended on safeguarding one of our most precious national institutions.”

When President Bush was asked why he felt it was necessary to change the name of the United States of America he snapped back in a hesitating voice saying, “What the hell is the difference! We built the USA on Native American Indian soil and they built Israel on Native Palestinian soil. We speak English and they speak English. We both came to ‘a land with no people, for a people with no land.’ Furthermore, most of our accounts are managed from Israel. If you don’t believe me call your representatives and senators and ask them. Better yet, dial 1-800-CALL-AIPAC and they can tell you all about how our government’s 401K plan works.”

Following the President’s press conference, CEO Glen Barton from Caterpillar, a heavy equipment manufacture, stated that all Israeli settlements in the West Bank were strictly built to US Building Code specifications. Mr. Barton stated, “these beautiful, hilltop residential areas would serve as perfect neighborhoods for congresspersons and senators. Plus, they were all built with equipment made right here in the USA.”

National Security experts noted that these Israeli settlement neighborhoods, formally illegal obstacles to peace, are much safer than downtown DC and they did not see the security risks of this landmark decision to relocate Congress as a major obstacle.

Religious leaders throughout the US praised the President’s moves and looked forward to these developments bringing an end to the crisis at the Church of Nativity in Bethlehem. The Vatican issued an upbeat statement in 67 languages saying, “American leadership has ensured that Bethlehem will be rebuilt in time for the Year 3000 Millennium celebrations.”

Palestinian President Yasir Arafat was interviewed from his hospital bed, where he was being treated for hyperventilation after hearing the news. Arafat said, “President Bush asked me to earn his respect by leading. Well, I now announce that the State of Palestine is declared in the State of Texas. As of our arrival in Texas in 6 days, all Texans will be subjected to Palestinian military occupation and kindly asked to take refuge on the Mexican border. I urge all not to panic. I expect in a short 35 years we will be in a position to discuss holding an international conference to discuss a long-term interim agreement that will result in the loss of your right to return to your homes and the loss of your right to freedom and independence, but we will, and I repeat, we will allow you to establish a viable Texan state in Mexico as long as it is not built on corruption.”

Other less visible military suppliers are those like Federal Laboratories in Saltsburg Pennsylvania, which provides CS tear gas to the Israeli military. During the first Palestinian Intifada (Uprising) in 1988, Federal Laboratories witnessed civil disobedience actions at their plant gate in Saltsburg and a lawsuit in U.S. courts after Israel misused their lethal tear gas by firing it into closed areas that resulted in the killing of many Palestinians. Federal Laboratories stopped exporting the gas for six months in 1988 and sent a fact- finding team to Israel before resuming sales.

Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres was contacted for comments but his office reported that he had taken his entire extended family, along with New York Times foreign affairs columnist Thomas Friedman, on vacation to Saudi Arabia and would not be available for comment until next week.

Mr. Sam Bahour is a Palestinian-American businessman, born and raised in Youngstown, Ohio, who relocated to his family’s home in Al-Bireh, West Bank immediately following the signing of the 1993 Oslo Peace Accords. He is co-author of HOMELAND: Oral Histories of Palestine and Palestinians (1994).

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