President John Kerry’s Oath of Office

Inauguration Day
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Capitol Hill, Washington, DC

It was a cold day for an inauguration, with temperatures hovering in the low teens. In a cakewalk of an election, Democrat Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts crushed the incumbent, George W. Bush, Jr., a Republican. Kerry carried 49 states, with Florida’s vote still uncounted. Florida’s governor, Jeb Bush, unsuccessfully demanded a probe of the election. He whined, “There is a conspiracy to rob my brother of his just legacy.”

With the U.S. involved in wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, (and also occupying Haiti and Venezuela), the outraged populace couldn’t wait to get rid of Bush. The Bush-Cheney Gang also became increasingly unpopular when the dollar declined sharply, losing 25 percent of its value because of the rising national debt, now approaching $7.1 trillion. Sen. Kerry, who has voted for every congressional Resolution approving the military misadventures, intends, nevertheless, to hold steady to the covertly orchestrated New World Order agenda for the country, but with a liberal policy twist here and there to mask its nation-destroying effects.

In a desperate attempt to boost Bush’s candidacy, just prior to the election, Alan Greenspan, czar of the Federal Reserve System, insisted that he really championed the Social Security system. To support it, he said he was prepared to order a confiscatory tax of 50 percent on the annual income of the 275 American billionaires that “” recently listed as being worth a collective $908.9 billions. And, to show that he believes that outsourcing jobs was really good for the economy, he encouraged the NBC TV network to outsource his wife, Andrea Mitchell’s, job as a TV reporter, to NBC’s local affiliate in Outer Mongolia. He pledged, for good measure, to send her along. Greenspan’s theatrics, backfired, however, when it was revealed that his comments were drafted for him by V.P. Dick Cheney on the stationery of the Halliburton Company.

The election results even fooled Rush Limbaugh. The once popular radio show host was stunned. From his prison cell in Florida, where he is serving a five year sentence for violating state drug laws, he said, “I was hoping Bush was going to win. Now, there goes my chance for a pardon.”

At exactly twelve noon, Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court stood up on the platform, erected at the U.S. Capitol for the event, as did the president-elect. Kerry asked V.P.- elect Rep. “Pious Tom” Lantos (D-CA) to hold the family bible for him as he took the oath of office as the country’s 44th president. Last year, Kerry found out that he was related to the slippery Lantos, a rabid warmonger. Kerry was so overcome with joy on hearing that news, that he decided to replace Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) on his ticket as V.P. with Lantos. It turned out to be a cruel, but a winning political move. Kerry had made another genealogical discovery earlier, in 2002, when he realized, for the first time, that his paternal grandparents were both Jewish.

In a break with tradition, but with an eye towards assuaging all his fat cat contributors, Kerry modified the presidential oath of office that is found in the U.S. Constitution, in Article II, Section I. The new oath, that he read at the Capitol, with his right hand raised high to heaven, was as follows:

“I, John Kerry, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of the President of the United States, support the passage of a USA Patriot Act II and III, and if necessary, even a Patriot Act IV, and also toughen up the Homeland Security Law. I will also, to the best of my ability, protect all of our friends, especially those in the lobbying profession, who have done so much over the years to keep me feeding at the public trough. It being clearly understood, too, that ‘Israel must be the cause of America and the cause of people of conscience everywhere.’ As for its so-called, ‘Apartheid Wall’ – it is really only a fence. No big deal.

“As for the economy, the ‘Free Trade’ policies that I have advocated in the U.S. Senate, embodied in NAFTA, GATT and WTO, will remain in full force, until the last middle class job in this country is exported to the Third World. Tax incentives and tax subsidies for the wealthy will continue unabated, as they have under my predecessor, and will be one of the keystone policies of my globalist-first administration. The destruction of our auto, steel, aerospace and textiles industries, in terms of a post-industrial zero growth, remains a primary objective. As for reforming the private pension systems, medical care or the education mess, or protecting the environment, well, it won’t happen while I’m in the White House.

“No leader of any foreign government will be safe while I am in office, especially, if his country also has vast reserves of oil. Any nation, too, who doesn’t play ball with the International Monetary Fund, will be history. Are your listening North Korea and Indonesia? Nothing will be done about crime in our inner cities or the horrors of our penal system. And, say good-bye to that dinosaur – the Trade Union Movement. Of course, there will be some social convulsions as the economy falters, but this is why we have the Patriot Act and the Homeland Security Law on the books. And, finally, I promise to defend the Constitution of the U.S. and to fulfill the Neocon-inspired ‘Clean Break Doctrine’ for the Middle East to the final breath of every American that we can put into a military uniform.”

When Kerry finished, the repulsive Neocon, Richard Perle, was the first on the platform to rush over to congratulate him.