Sharon’s Memo to George W. Bush

Dear George,

I mean, don’t push Yasir on getting the US involved. He might actually begin to think about it, and claim that there is oil in Palestine; that way, you’d be putting sanctions on my country, and talking about me as though I was a Middle Eastern Slobodan Milosevic.

That would not be fair. Come on; I slaughtered non-combatants in Qibya (1953) and Egypt (1956) and uprooted around 12000 refugees for the second time in their lives (1971). I was responsible for the invasion of Lebanon; that little expedition got almost 30000 Palestinians and Lebanese killed in just over a month, 40 % of which were children. And I got the Phalange militia access to the Sabra & Shatila camps where they raped, disemboweled and killed almost 3000 civilians.

Does Milosevic really compare?

If so, give him my number; I could use a guy like that in my cabinet. After all, Reehan Zeevi wants all the Palestinians thrown out of the West Bank and Gaza, as well as deprive Palestinian-Israelis of their civil rights. And I got Zeevi in my cabinet too; they’d get along like a house on fire.

I liked where you criticised Yasir, though, about starting the second intifada. Good one; if you and I say it enough, then eventually the world will forget that I started all this commotion with Barak’s permission when I decided to tour the Noble Sanctuary compound in Jerusalem with a security contingent of over a thousand armed men.

Not that this counts for good old Yasir, considering how few Palestinians really want him in office, but still kind of you to exalt my democratic credentials in Israel; if anyone in the US gets wind of the fact that less than 38 percent of Israelis voted for me, be sure to get them to shut up. I have to keep up this faéade of being the Prime Minister of the Middle East’s only democracy, okay?

Also make sure that as few people as possible know that in order for my country to get into the UN it had to agree to restitution and return for all Palestinian refugees, including those of 1948. Otherwise, I am deep doo-doo, especially considering that your military apparently bombed the living daylights out of Yugoslavia to get the people of Kosovo back to their homes; just wouldn’t seem right for some people. Especially those head-in-the-clouds good Samaritans who talk about human rights and stuff.

No, we need to build support for a deal that gets me as much land as I can have for more settlements, but also a deal that gives me some Bantustans to get the Palestinians to settle on. That way, I get my ethnically clean Jewish state, and also a cheap labour force. (I’ll do my part and keep those in my government that just want to expel the Palestinians altogether in check.)

In your next letter, though, George, don’t mention the Balfour Declaration.

Some silly people might find it morally abhorrent that the British Government signed the Balfour Declaration, since it promised Arab Palestine to the non-Arab Jews in 1917, and removed political rights from its indigenous population in so doing. Once they get wind of the fact that the British had no authority to promise anything in Palestine to anybody, they might get the stupid idea that the UN resolution that divided Palestine between its inhabitants and immigrant population (who owned about 3% of the land at most at the time) in 1947 was like the European Union promising half of the US to Bosnian Muslims who had to flee Milosevic’s tyranny in Yugoslavia.

All the best

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