The Human Safari

This is not just any safari, really. This is a unique opportunity for you to meet Israeli big shots; real leaders whose names appear in the daily news. It is your life opportunity to boast about pumping their fists; one that you can tell your grandchildren about.

How would you like "observing a trial of Hamas terrorists in an IDF military court?" No, I did not say Kangaroo, I said Military. You’ll sample the satisfaction afforded by watching Israeli military justice meted out to barbaric Palestinian terrorists. They will not, unfortunately, be beheaded before your eyes, but they will be shackled and humiliated enough to make you feel really good, before being sentenced for life. Isn’t that wonderful and humanitarian? Wonderful, because you will be a live witness to Israel’s military justice been served; humanitarian, because the (terrorist) will not see the rest of his land being swallowed by our military.

Shh, don’t tell this to anyone, but we are going to make you an Israeli intelligence expert. Who knows, this might provide you with an opportunity to be recruited. Don’t forget, if you have a Canadian Passport, you have an advantage. Canadian Passports have been used on several occasions before. No, we won’t talk about that nut case Ostrovsky , and we won’t send you to Jordan or New Zealand . Pollard ? Well that was an unfortunate turn of events, but hey, he’s a hero right. Here’s the deal: we’ll take you to "meet senior commanders of the Shin Bet security service and Mossad, meeting with high ranking officers of the Intelligence and Operations branches in the IDF." From there on, the ball is in your court.

Furthermore–”hush, now–”we are going to make you a military commander. If you listen carefully, you might be called as an expert witness at some Congressional hearing or you might make it to the media circus–”oops, circuit. Here’s how it works: we’ll arrange for a "briefing by senior commanders of the Shin Bet security service and Mossad, meeting with high ranking officers of the Intelligence and Operations branches in the IDF." And, listen to this, we’ll arrange for "Discussions with Israel’s Arab agents who infiltrate the terrorist groups and provide real-time intelligence," and to top it off, we’ll give you an "Intensive, hands-on tours of the front line military positions, the border check-points and intelligence bases." Hands on!

You’re going to have your wife with you? But of course, this is the best part of the tour; I mean, what is a Safari without romance? Did you think for one minute that we could ignore your need for relaxation after a full day of "Terrorist Trials” and “High-Level” meetings with Israeli officials, and “Hands on” tours and (Intelligence Training?) Listen to this: we are going to take you and your wife, and umpteen other Shmucks like you, and their wives–”yes, it will be a bit crowded–”on a "Small airplanes flight over the Galilee, moonlight cruise on the Kinneret Lake, a cook-out barbecue and a traditional Shabbat enjoying the rich religious and historic wonders of Jerusalem’s Old City.” Wow.

And your business while away from business? Don’t worry: "each mission participant will receive a personal cell phone for use while in Israel, all designed to help keep in touch with the office back home.”

Cost? Cost, Shmost–”what’s US$1850.00 for eight days full of excitement? Airfare? No, sorry that’s not included. One more itsy bitsy tiny small thing: “Mission participants are required to make a tax-deductible donation of $500 to $5,000 to Shurat HaDin – Israel Law Center.” Yes, but it’s for a good cause: to fight terrorism. [1]

Note: only morons can apply. This program was made possible by Shmuck governments that allow tax deductible donations for such lunacy to take place.



[1]. Items in quotation are from this website: