The Wog’s Wall Street Journal (Satire)

It’s an unfortunate fact of politics that Republicans are up against a double standard on matters of race. Jesse Jackson can utter an anti-Semitic slur (‘Hymietown’) but somehow still claim the moral authority to lecture Mr. Lott.

The Wall Street Journal, 12/13/2002

You can either get the benign version of the American superpower, the one that comes with American values, such as a belief in self-determination even for the wogs. Put it this way: Either you can have George Bush’s America ("In Iraq, we are helping the long suffering people of that country to build a decent and democratic society"). Or Dirty Harry’s America ("But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya–punk?").

Daniel Henninger, Deputy editor, Wall Street Journal, 9/19/2002

Dow Jones Press Release (10/4/2002):

We would like the subscribers of The Asian Wall Street Journal to be advised that we are changing the name to The Wog’s Wall Street Journal. Like our British soul mates, we believe that there is a lot of truth to the old English saying that ‘the Wogs begin in Calais’. However, our marketing studies indicate that the French, being French, would object to being called wogs, in much the same manner that they obstruct our work at the United Nations. But as for you yellow folks in Asia and the swarthy lads in the Middle East, we have always believed that it is appropriate to have special publications to cater to the your special needs. Our content will not change much, except that Daniel Henninger will be writing a special weekly column on how wogs should behave to avoid being treated like punks. Henninger, who has never so much as fired a water pistol in anger, will be threatening you all with a .44 Magnum if you so much as take offense to being reclassified as wogs. Once again, America has imperial ambitions and this time we have more than Agent Orange up our sleeves. The choice is yours. You can either be a good wog or collateral damage.

The Dow Jones Company expects to make substantial savings with this change, because we also intend to reduce the wages of all wogs currently working in our Asian and Middle Eastern offices. English and American staff will not be effected by these cuts. Journalists of French descent are advised to pack their bags and head back to Calais.

All outstanding subscriptions to the Asian Wall Street Journal will be automatically changed to the Wog’s Wall Street Journal and you should not have any interruption in delivery. Next year’s subscriptions will be raised fifty percent in anticipation of some cancellations by uppity wogs. We will also be using some of the extra revenue to set up a new think tank, led by outstanding neo-con scholars from the American Enterprise Institute. The new think tank will be named ‘NEO-CONS R US, You R JUST WOGS’. This new institute will conduct feasibility studies on how the United States can best reverse some of the most outrageous aspects of granting so much self-determination to the wog nations of the world.

Another press release should be out early next week with our plans for yet another publication targeting the wog market, Baron’s for Wogs.

The inspiration for this radical change in naming our Asian publications was the late great Lenny Bruce who would often start a routine with this line:

“I see we have three niggers in the audience. And over there I see two wogs, and five spics, and four kikes and a dago with spaghetti sauce stains on his shirt and a Mafia ring on one of his seven fingers.” We miss that kind of humor in America and we hope it will bring joy to our wog customer base in the yellow continent and all the swarthy folks living on top of our oil fields.

The name change will not effect much of our coverage and we will continue to be vigilant in reminding you of Jesse Jackson’s anti-Semitic slur back in 1988 (‘Hymietown’). We trust that even uppity wogs will continue to be offended by such vicious slurs against decent Americans of Yiddish descent.

We Americans are sick and tired of treating the wogs over in Asia if they were equal to their betters. It is unfortunate that, in these United States, we still live under the draconian civil rights statutes of 1964. You can thank LBJ, the late Marxist from Texas, for our current plight. Had it not been for his hostility to a free press, The Dow Jones Company would have vastly expanded its print empire by issuing special editions for the niggers, sand niggers, ayrabs and spics. Alas, we have reached such a state of political correctness that even a drug addict like Rush Limbaugh is forced to resign from ESPN for speaking simple truths that we, at the Dow Jones Company, judge to be courageous journalism.

On a final note, we would like our wog clients in Asia and the Middle East to know that we are launching a special marketing program for the Christmas season with a 10% discount. So, sign up now and surprise that special wog in your life.